In a world where we’re told to be humble and shun vanity, it’s no surprise that we’re primed for a reaction of terror when it comes to anything self-love or – God forbid – self-attraction. But for autosexuals, this is their primary way of experiencing attraction.

As Engle points out, autosexuality usually prioritises masturbation over partnered sex, which makes the concept so difficult for many to fathom. “There is this idea that everybody should want partnered sex above masturbation and masturbation is only something that you do when you're not in a relationship. It’s kind of seen as a ‘last resort’,” she explains. Because of the social weight we place on partnered sex, argues Engle, most of us haven’t been offered space to ask ourselves questions about attraction.

Instead, they turn to fantasy, dreaming of a dual sexual experience of themselves. When masturbating, they imagine they are “seeing through both eyes in two people at the same time.” During one-night stands, they have often imagined they are having sex with themselves when the person has a similar-sized body to their own.

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Fearing judgement from others, Chris kept his relationship with himself hidden, masking it in flings with others he found unfulfilling. He describes the relationship with himself as “addictive”, explaining that as his autosexuality has deepened, his ability to reach climax with others has become near impossible. “In the fantasy of my mind, I have to imagine that I’m fucking myself, that it’s another Chris up against me,” he says. “Only then can I reach a climax.”

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Adam is a polyamorous, gender-fluid autosexual who is also pansexual. But though their autosexuality is beautiful and fulfilling, it is entangled within a lifetime of depression and a longing grief for a love story that can never truly consummate itself. For Adam, the sexual bewilderment of loving someone who simultaneously exists and can never exist triggers a dissonance which he describes as akin to bereavement. As such, coming to terms with their sexuality means mourning themselves. “I needed to grieve that I cannot be with myself in the same way I can be with other people,” they say. “That I cannot feel the touch the same way, that I cannot hug myself like other people, or ever have sex with myself because there’s only one body.”

“People who identify as female and AFAB people in particular are taught that we are the ‘receivers’ of sex and that we are sexual objects for other people’s consumption,” she continues. “Our own consumption and desires are largely left out of that equation, and there's not a lot of room to ask if you’re sexually attracted to yourself.”

In every essence of autosexual love, the relationships that bloom are just as beautiful and romantic (and cringe!) as those shared by two people. Perhaps in anticipation of judgement, some autosexuals have learned to conflate their love with shame. But autosexuality is nothing to be ashamed about. If anything, in an era where so many of us struggle with low self-esteem, self-love is something to be celebrated.

Chris is a yoga instructor and artist from California whose life changed ten years ago when he discovered the term “autosexuality”. After a lifetime of feeling like no one could make him feel the way he did, learning about autosexuality felt like “a big release”.

“Autosexuality is unpalatable to people because it’s shrouded in every layer of our darkest shame: masturbation, self-love, gazing into the mirror” – Gigi Engle

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“It’s not a one night stand, it’s a lifelong stand,” he tells me. “I talk to myself in the act of sex as if I were with a partner. Just last night as I was lying in bed cuddling myself, I found relaxation and serenity reaching over my shoulder and clasping my arms or reaching around and grabbing my leg and holding it as I would if I were holding another.”

Autosexuality is a sexual orientation in which people primarily experience sexual attraction toward themselves. This doesn’t mean that all autosexual people never feel sexually attracted to others or never have sex with others: like all sexualities, it exists on a spectrum, and experiences will inevitably vary from person to person.

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As a young person, Chris was deeply attracted to himself. Nothing turned him on more than gazing across a crowded room into a mirror and when he got to college, the relationship grew sexually. “I had a portable five-foot-long body mirror I kept under my bed in my dorm room. I would slide it out, undress, and lay down upon it, stomach to stomach with my reflection. Slow moves, gentle hip thrusts. Eye contact. It was true lovemaking. And the climaxes were beyond words,” he says. “But I had to keep it a secret, like a forbidden love affair.”

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For Justin, the feeling is akin to “puppy love, because it’s like a drug”. He explains that he exists as a dualship with his alter ego Joanna, and finds both sides of himself completely irresistible. Justin first discovered he was autosexual two and a half years ago, after Googling self-attraction. After finding the term, he realised he wasn’t alone.

This little-known sexuality, when mentioned to other people, has often been met with bewilderment and even at times, disdain. As sexologist and relationship therapist Gigi Engle explains, “Autosexuality is unpalatable to people because it’s shrouded in every layer of our darkest shame: masturbation, self-love, gazing into the mirror.”

“It opened up this whole new realm [...] and that opened the door to me falling in love with me and it being OK.” For years, Justin has been masturbating to footage of himself, using mirror play, and generally avoiding sex with other people. He laughs as he tells me that a past girlfriend once joked that he had a better sex life with himself than her. “I would set up a video camera and record myself masturbating. And then I would masturbate to my video of me masturbating. I don’t look for porn of anyone else, just me,” he says.

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